“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
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[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The fall of Netflix
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
multitasking lunch
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”