I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi