Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god