Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
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Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
🙄😏😂🤣
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost