That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
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You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Taking phone security to the next level.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn