Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
beware of dog
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”