give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
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My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.