My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
You Might Also Like
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
plums roundup
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.