Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name