My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!