Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.