All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
You Might Also Like
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
A short story of betrayal:
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Lmfao
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave