Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
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If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
plums roundup
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving