Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no