Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
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me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Me: You secretly canβt wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
#MeanwhileinCanada
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me: Iβm having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: Youβre making a lot of sense right now.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
π»π€‘
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories π
me: nah itβs okβ
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend π
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
πππππππππππππ
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.