Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
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It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident