Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.