Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually