Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.