Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
You Might Also Like
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Dishonest mechanic?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me