Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
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[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
me opening up to someone
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
don’t we all
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out