I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
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[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Still a very good boi….
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]