This is not me but this is me
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Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.