Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
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INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
⛄️
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My first child will be named New Folder.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.