Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019