Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*