It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Single and childfree like Jesus
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.