Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
#polloftheday
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.