The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
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There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
This is always good for a laugh.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.