If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
put ‘er there pardner!
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”