me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
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One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.