Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
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Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?