15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
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Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
“We will wed,” I threatened
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
so i’m at the stock market right
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.