TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
You Might Also Like
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano