been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?