Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
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My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
when you are just born a rebel
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Kids, do not try this at home!
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you