Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
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I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Is….Is this an option?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”