My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.