Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
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If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.