me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
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Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’m putting together a team
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
So inspired right now.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?