Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.