“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
This is a whole mood;
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?