People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Still my favourite meme.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
grotesque if literal: baby food
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.