Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you