*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
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Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
classic mixup
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Last-minute gift idea!
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.