me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Worst bar ever.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind