Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
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I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job