This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
gm
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?