Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Worst Native American name ever.