Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
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BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I just ran a .003048K
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.